Finally, For Me Read online

  "So why was dinner so stressful?" I asked, trying to concentrate and not act like a drunk idiot.

  His hands balled up into fists. "Oh just my mother trying to stick her nose in my business," he said tightly.

  "The whole girlfriend thing?" I asked, playing with my straw. Now I suddenly felt awkward, discussing his relationship.

  Ben hesitated before responding, "yes, she thinks I should propose." He turned his head all the way to look at me, resting his head on his hand. I had the sudden urge to run my fingers over his stubble. I put both hands on my water glass, trying to keep them occupied.

  "Well what do you think?" I asked innocently.

  He shifted on his stool. "I guess I don't know for sure. Being with her is comfortable, and it would make both our families happy," he sighed. "I don't know what's holding me back."

  I saw the stress read across his face. My heart ached to make him feel better, or at least just snap him out of it. This wasn't the same playful guy I had spent the evening with earlier.

  "Well, she gave you space to think, so that's what you should do. Just be honest with yourself, it'll all work out, whatever the outcome may be." I was proud of myself for sounding so profound. I really wanted to say, "dump the bitch!" But I declined. Drunk Lacey had a mouth on her, and I really needed to keep her in check. I suddenly realized I really needed to pee. I stood up, but quickly lost my balance, stumbling and holding onto Ben.

  "Hey, are you ok there?" he smiled, grabbing me by the arms and steadying me. Feeling his sturdy hands grip my arms gave me tingles up and down my body, focusing on one area in particular. I blushed, noticing the effect he had on me.

  "Yeah, sorry," I said. "Maybe that's my cue to go home. I shouldn't have done those shots." I shook my head.

  "Here, let me take you. I wouldn't want you walking home by yourself at night," he said, grabbing a twenty, leaving it on the bar. "Hey Johnny, thanks!" he called.

  "Good night you two!" he smiled back. Oh god, Johnny saw us leaving together. I was sure I wouldn't hear the end of it once Shannon found out.

  Ben put his hand on the small of my back, directing me toward the door. His touch sent further shockwaves up and down my body. Lacey, you really need to focus. We headed out into the night.

  Once the air hit me, I realized just how drunk I was. My head began to spin.

  "Ben, I'm sorry I'm so drunk. I feel like an idiot," I said quietly.

  "Hey, it's ok, it happens to all of us. Here," he said softly, offering me his arm. "Let's get you home."

  We made the short walk to his car quickly despite my mental state and my heels. I was trying so hard to concentrate on staying upright, I didn't say much. He held the car door open for me. I smiled to myself as I buckled my seatbelt. Could he be sweeter?

  "BMW, " I said, pointing at each letter on the steering wheel. "Ben the Millionaire Womanizer," I giggled.

  He laughed in response. "Hardly a millionaire. And I resent that womanizer comment!"

  "Ok fine," I laughed. "Ben Makes Waffles, then." I settled back into my seat, fiddling with the straps of the seatbelt.

  "Hm, waffles. I can't say I usually make them, but I could," he said, rubbing his chin.

  "Would you make me waffles if I wanted them?" I joked, lazily looking at him while he drove. There was something so sexy about him behind the wheel.

  "Yep, just name the time and place," he grinned at me. Was he serious? Or was he just trying to placate a drunk girl? He glanced over at me again, a genuine smile on his face. Maybe he was serious? My heart fluttered at the thought.

  "Alright, I'll keep that in mind." I smiled looking out the window. We pulled into the garage, and made it to my door, with me only stumbling a couple times.

  "Well thank you for making sure I got home ok," I smiled. "Again, you've proven to be such a gentleman."

  He smiled down at me. "You're welcome. Let's get you inside."

  I tried to hide my surprise as I unlocked the door. Was he coming in? My question was quickly answered as he followed me in, closing the door. My heart rate quickened.

  As if he was reading my mind, he said, "I'm just going to help you into bed, then I'll head up. I don't want you to pass out on the kitchen floor or something. Now what do you need to do to get ready for bed?"

  I started toward my bedroom, motioning for him to follow me.

  "Well, usually I change into my pajamas and find something on TV. So I'll go change, and you go find me a movie to watch or something," I smiled, grabbing a set of pajamas from my dresser.

  "You've got it," he winked. "Anything you're in the mood for?"

  You, I thought, walking into my bathroom. "Um, comedy? It probably doesn't matter, I'll probably be asleep in about ten minutes," I called. I changed into a black cami and shorts. I studied myself in the mirror, taking my hair out of my pigtails, trying to make my hair presentable. I looked good, having lost a few pounds since the breakup. I breathed in deep, heading out into my bedroom.

  Ben stood there with a glass of water. "Here you go, drink up," he said, handing it to me. "I found Knocked Up, is that ok?"

  I took the glass from him, drinking slowly. "Yes, I love this movie," I said, crawling into bed. I situated myself under the blankets, propped up with pillows. "Have you seen it before?"

  "Yeah, it's a good one," he replied. We both were silent, attention turned to the TV. I sat rigidly in bed, while Ben stood next to my bed, his hands in his pockets. I was waiting for him to say goodbye, but he didn't make any move to go. I shifted uncomfortably with anxiety. What was he thinking? After a minute I said, "well do you want to watch it with me?"

  I watched him weigh his decision in his mind. After a moment he said, "sure. I'd love to." He kicked off his shoes, and climbed into bed with me.

  My senses were all on high alert. It felt so natural being so near him, yet I knew there was something slightly wrong about it. I told myself to just stop worrying. I'm watching a movie with a friend, that's all.

  We laid down under my blankets. I breathed in deep, taking in his scent. Whatever body wash he used, I loved it. The booze was finally starting to clear my system, but I still felt bold enough to say, "I'm glad we met. It's been really hard for me being here without anybody, and I just really appreciate spending time with you." I blushed, focusing intently on a freckle on my arm.

  "Me too, honestly," he looked over at me. "I don't want to sound like a total loser, but I feel like I was meant to know you." Could he read my mind?

  I brought my head up, a huge grin on my face. "No seriously, I feel the same way. I feel like we are going to be great friends!" I reached over and put my hand on his arm, turning my attention back to the movie.

  "Exactly, friends," he said quietly.

  We laid watching the movie together, and I began fidgeting, trying to get comfortable.

  "Here, does this help?" he asked, shifting himself up, taking me into the crook of his arm. I melted into a puddle, inhaling his scent, feeling his warmth.

  "Yes, that's nice," I yawned.

  As I predicted, within ten minutes I was asleep, nuzzled in Ben's arms.

  ********

  Ben

  Watching her walk out of her bathroom in a tiny little tank top and shorts, I wanted to take her right then and there. But I had done my best to restrain myself. I wouldn't want to take advantage of her when she was drunk. Oh and the whole Marissa thing, I reminded myself. I pushed any and all thoughts of her aside as I sat, holding a sleeping Lacey. She had a rosiness to her cheeks, and her lips were slightly parted. I sighed, content to stay like this forever. But I knew it was back to the grind tomorrow, and I needed to get some sleep.

  What a rollercoaster of a day it had been. I still had no idea what I was going to do, and spending the time with Lacey had made everything even less clear cut. I shifted slowly to the side, laying her down on her pillow. I pulled the blanket up, leaned down and kissed the top of her head, before I could stop myself. It just felt so natural giving her affect
ion. I walked quietly out to the kitchen, looking for paper and pen. I tried to quietly open her drawers. I found a notepad hanging on the fridge. Grabbing it, I began a note for Lacey.

  "Hope you slept well, see you soon. -Ben." I wrote. There, simple and to the point. I had a feeling she would be embarrassed when she woke up even though she had no need to be. I found her to be a charming drunk.

  I stuck the note on her bathroom mirror, and headed up to my apartment. I fell asleep trying to figure out a time I could make her waffles.

  Chapter 7

  Lacey

  I woke up in the morning, my head pounding. Fear suddenly rushed through me as memories of the night before flooded back. Oh shit! What had I said to Ben? Oh god, he ran out after I fell asleep, I thought. Mortified, I made my way to the bathroom. I switched on the light, my heart skipping a beat as I found a note hanging from the mirror. The knot in my stomach dissipated as I read it. At least he wants to see me again, I must not have been too embarrassing, I thought.

  "I am never drinking with Shannon again," I muttered.

  I spent my day recuperating until I had to work at the hospital that night. The next three days flew by. I worked three twelve hour shifts in a row; essentially sleeping, eating and working were the only items on my agenda.

  When Thursday morning finally came, I was so happy to fall into my bed and go to sleep. I settled in under my duvet, curling up with my pillow. I could still faintly smell Ben's body wash in the sheets. I inhaled deeply, drifting off to sleep.

  I woke up at two p.m., groaning as I realized I had to work my other job that night. At least the money was starting to add up, and I didn't feel the financial stress I had been feeling earlier.

  I showered and got ready, putting on a black halter top and dark jeans. How different the attire was for my two jobs, I thought as I curled my hair.

  I found myself wondering if I would see Ben tonight. I knew I had told him when I'd be working, but I knew he was really busy with work. I tried not to get my hopes up, but there was a definite butterfly garden going on in my stomach. What was I getting so excited about? I just missed my friend the last three days, I told myself.

  Four thirty rolled around, and I headed into Johnny's. Shannon was there already.

  "Hey girlfriend!" she called, her cleavage bouncing as she shook a martini. I envied her chest.

  "Hey! What can I help with?" I asked, jumping behind the bar.

  "This gentleman would like a Stella please," she smiled, busily pouring the shaker into a glass.

  I got right to it. We were really busy for a Thursday, and the night seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, it was time for last call. Disappointment hit me as I realized the night was coming to an end. What was wrong with me? It had been a good night, and I had made a lot of money.

  "What's wrong chickadee?" Shannon asked, glancing sideways at me as she counted the register.

  "Nothing, I'm fine," I replied. She turned and fully looked at me. I forced a big smile on my face.

  "Uh huh, fine," she said sarcastically, nodding her head.

  "No really, I'm good. I just," I started then stopped. I knew what was wrong, I just didn't want to admit it.

  "What, just miss your boyfriend?" she teased.

  Apparently I was that transparent. I rolled my eyes, pretending like she hadn't just hit the nail on the head. "We are friends! But yeah, I guess I thought I would see him tonight."

  "I think Johnny said he came last night, but I haven't seen him this week."

  "Whatever, it's really not a big deal," I said, burying my face under the counter. Why was I so embarrassed to talk about him? I felt like I was in third grade, and Shannon was teasing me for having a crush.

  "Ok, keep telling yourself that," she laughed. "Hey, I can finish up if you want to get out of here."

  "You sure?" I asked. "Thanks, I'm exhausted after the past few days."

  "Have a good night, I'll see you Saturday right?"

  "Yep, I'll be here. See you then!" I said, scurrying out the door. I couldn't wait to crawl back into my bed.

  As I pulled into the garage, I spotted Ben's car parked in his space. I pictured him upstairs, sitting on his couch, watching Breaking Bad, the thought bringing a smile to my face. A big part of me wanted to go up to his floor, but I stopped myself. It's a week night, he probably has to be up early tomorrow, I thought. Now if I had a few martinis in my system, that would've been a different story. But I should probably cool it in front of him for the time being; I didn't want him to think I was a big lush.

  Against my urges, I headed up to my own apartment. I changed into my pajamas and climbed into my bed. Knocked Up was playing again on TV. I fell asleep, thinking of the comfort I felt the last time I had watched this movie.

  ********

  Ben

  I stood looking out my living room windows at the evening. I brought my martini to my lips, the alcohol burning my throat as I sipped it. Johnny makes it better, I thought. But tonight I wouldn't be going to Johnny's. Tonight, Marissa would be coming over. I started walking around the living room, trying to calm my nerves. It had been another hellish week at work, and it was still only Thursday. My mind drifted to the previous night when I went to Johnny's:

  I walked into the familiar spot, taking my usual seat at the bar.

  "Hey there Ben, the usual?" Johnny asked, swinging a towel over his shoulder.

  "Yes please," I replied. I fiddled anxiously with my phone, unsure of where all this nervous energy was coming from.

  He quickly made my drink and placed it in front of me. "What's going on?" he asked with concern.

  "Is it that obvious?" I asked, grinning sheepishly.

  "Well I can just tell something's up. You look stressed."

  I sighed. "Yeah, that's an understatement," I mused. Here was my chance to finally talk to someone about my situation. "Marissa gave me an ultimatum, either propose or she's gone. And my parents, who have been friends with her parents as long as I can remember, have both voiced their opinion on the relationship." I traced the rim of my glass repeatedly.

  "And that would be?" he prompted, his eyebrows raised.

  I exhaled deeply. "They think I should propose."

  "And what are you thinking?" he asked, leaning on the bar.

  I took a drink of my martini, stalling. "Honestly?"

  "Honestly."

  I hesitated briefly before responding, "I can't. I haven't been happy with her for some time. I just stayed with her because it was comfortable, what was expected of me," I said. God, it felt weird saying the words out loud. It was as if now the thoughts I had been having were now reality.

  Johnny took a deep breath, nodding with understanding.

  "Saying that out loud is a big step," he said soberly.

  "Yes it is," I replied, staring at my drink.

  We sat there silently for a moment. The sounds of people chatting, glasses clinking, filled the void. I couldn't bring my gaze up.

  "So what's holding you back from breaking it off?" he asked softly.

  I puffed my cheeks and slowly exhaled. "I'm afraid of disappointing people, namely my father." I cringed admitting that as well. What kind of fucking man was I that I was worried about upsetting my father?

  "I think that would be a natural concern. But when was the last time you did something that was for you and no one else?" he asked, leaning in.

  I sat, unable to answer. This was how it has always been. I got into law and worked at my father's law firm to please him. I went on my first date with Marissa per my mother's request. So much of my life had been shaped by other people's wants. Now it was time to do something finally for me.

  "I take your silence as a never," he smiled.

  I brought my head up, smiling back at him.

  "Well it sounds like it's about time." He smacked his hand on the counter.

  "You're right, you're right, you're always right," I laughed, leaning back on the stool. He really was right. This was my chance to re
ally enforce change in my life. The thought was daunting, yet exciting.

  "Hey, what can I say?" he laughed, shrugging his shoulders. "Another one?" He pointed to my now empty glass.

  "Please."

  I was pulled from my reverie by the sound of the front door being unlocked. It was weird thinking she still had keys; in my mind, we were already over. I heard her heels click on the entry way floor, coming closer and closer. The sound grated my ears.

  "Hey," she said as she came into view. She was wearing a tight black dress, which made her skin, tanned artificially, now look orange. She looked cheap, despite all the money she came from.

  "Hello," I said impassively. We just stood there looking at each other. All the words I had prepared had flown out the window. I just wanted this over with. "Can I get you a drink?"

  "No I'm fine," she replied. She walked toward me, slipping her arms around my neck. Her touch literally made me recoil. "God I've missed you."

  Her words hung heavily in the air. I said nothing in return, and made no effort to hug her back. Sensing the discomfort, she withdrew her arms and looked up at me. I could see her foundation caked on, unsuccessfully covering up her blemishes. She looked...gross.

  "How did you find out? Oh god I'm such an idiot!" she cried, bringing her hands to her face.

  I stood there, shocked. Find out what, I thought. I tried to hide the surprise in my face and let her answer the question for me.

  "It was only like for a month and it didn't mean anything! I promise! Oh god." She started pacing frantically, her hands gripping the sides of her face.

  I took a sip of my drink, letting her words sink in. Well this definitely took an unexpected turn. I stood, calculating my words.

  "And when was this? Who?" I asked coolly, feeling my grip tighten around my glass.

  She looked at me, her eyes widening. "I, I thought you knew, that's why you were so cold to me when I came in."

  I set my glass down, carefully considering my response. "I was cold because I was planning on ending things with you anyway," I stated matter-of-factly. "But now you've just made it so much easier for me, so for that, I thank you."