Finally, For Me Read online

  Finally, For Me

  By

  Roseanne Burke

  Text copyright © 2015 Roseanne Burke

  All Rights Reserved

  To my loving husband, thank you for all your support and love, and for letting me do something for me.

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 1

  Lacey

  The waves rolled lazily up onto the shore. I could feel the warm sun beating down on me, almost to the point where I worried about burning. I had one of those skin types that burned at first, but then I could tan. I hadn't had much of a chance to be in the sun this summer, so I didn't have my usual end of the season glow. I had a big girl job now. No more laying out by the apartment complex pool, drinking beer at noon.

  I sat up on my elbows and looked around. A smile slowly made its way onto my face as I watched my grandma, sitting under a large beach umbrella, enthusiastically discussing something. I was sure it was the new QVC line or Ina Garten. My grandpa sat back with his eyes closed, wisps of his gray hair fluttering in the breeze, trying to just enjoy feeling the sun on his face. They had been married fifty years, and we were on a family vacation to celebrate their golden anniversary.

  My smile started to slowly slip away as the knot in my stomach began to tighten. There it was again- me realizing my relationship with Mark would never result in this: happiness and love that could last fifty years. My time away on this trip to California had solidified that fact. I was surrounded by love, and I was genuinely happy for the first time in two years. No one had yelled at me for spending too much at the grocery store or accused me of cheating because I had been called in to the hospital for work in the middle of the night.

  I literally felt free, being here, away from his scowl and accusatory tone. I was slowly realizing that when I returned home, I would have to end things with him. It was time to stop living at a level of happiness below what I deserved, what any human being deserved for that matter. I pushed the knot aside as I stood up and walked over to the water.

  I tentatively stuck my toe in, balancing on one foot. It was freezing, but it was just what I needed to clear my head and enjoy the moment. I stood, letting my feet sink down into the wet sand, the tide rolling up and back, coming to just my ankles. All I could see ahead of me was blue. Blue sky and blue ocean, with no obstacles in my path.

  "Lacey! Do you need to put on more sunscreen? You don't want to burn!" my grandma called out to me.

  With my back turned, I groaned and rolled my eyes. "I'm good," I yelled back over my shoulder. I wasn't sure why I was being difficult. I was already planning on reapplying when I walked back to my chair. Maybe it was the heaviness I felt knowing my whole life was going to change. Maybe I was tired of people telling me what I should be doing. I had always been a people pleaser, and lately I had made some decisions that made others not so pleased.

  Just a few months prior, I had graduated from college with a nursing degree. That part pleased people, namely my parents. I had enjoyed what I'd been doing so far in the past few months, but the reason for getting into nursing was honestly more about finding a good job than of a real interest I had in the field. When I graduated, I took a position quickly in Forrester, Minnesota, a good two hundred miles away from school, family, anything familiar. It was a sizeable city, with about two hundred thousand people. So at least it wasn't Middle of Nowhere, Nothing to Do, Minnesota.

  I tried lying to myself, saying the move was for me. An exciting new start in a new city, was the spin I tried putting on it. But if I looked just past the surface, it was obvious I moved there for Mark. Technically I had made the decision to go there before he did, so that's how I continued justifying it to myself. But I knew I never would have done it if he hadn't already had two interviews with one of the major businesses there. Even though my friends put on smiling faces when I told them I accepted the position and was moving, I knew they weren't happy about it. They weren't all that happy with my relationship, let alone me moving two and a half hours away.

  I would describe my relationship with Mark as rocky at best. Don't get me wrong, we started off with a lot of fun and happy times: going out to dinner and movies, attending parties, etc. It was fun being coupled up. All my friends were doing it, so this was what I was supposed to do, right? But as time went on, unpleasant times started mixing themselves in. Which then turned into a majority of unpleasant ones. But relationships were always like this. You have a honeymoon period, and then the true person starts to reveal them self. No relationship is perfect, and people fight. Another justification to add to my list.

  I groaned inwardly as I shuffled back up the beach to my chair. My purple towel threatened to blow away. I quickened my steps to reach it before it had the chance. I felt my grandparents' eyes on me as I dramatically pulled the sunscreen out of my bag. I hated admitting the truth about my relationship to myself. I knew I needed to end it, but that meant admitting defeat. And now my address was a very long drive away from anyone familiar, anyone friendly. I had made an absolute fucking mess, but now I needed to clean it up.

  That night was the actual anniversary party. We (myself, my parents and grandparents) were all staying at my uncle's beachfront home. Cocktails were being poured, music was playing, and the lobsters were being prepared for the boil. I stepped out onto the back patio with my glass of champagne, watching the waves rolling rhythmically back and forth. The light breeze blew my blue cotton dress sideways, pressing against the back of my legs. I brushed my dark brown hair out of the way of my face, exhaling deeply, realizing I hadn't felt such peace in a long time. I wished I could press pause, and stay in this moment forever. I turned back around as I heard the sliding glass door behind me open.

  "There you are, ladybug," said my grandpa, with a gentle smile on his face.

  Seeing him gave me a sense of relief, pulling me out of my preoccupation. "Sorry, I just needed some fresh air. Too many glasses of champagne," I smiled, shaking my empty glass. I really had just needed a break from being around so many people. Correction, happy people. My mind was rushing like a train that had broken from its track, hurling violently down a mountainside. I didn't feel like I quite fit in with the laughter and light conversation.

  "Are you sure there's nothing else bugging you?" he asked, putting his arm around me, looking out over the ocean. His hand was warm and still soft, despite his age.

  My insides were screaming, just tell him! Why are you embarrassed? You'll feel better to just talk to someone. But all I could bring myself to say was, "no, I'm good."

  He smiled, squeezing my shoulder gently. We both knew I was lying, but neither of us would say it out loud. "Well alright then. If you're good, I'm good." He turned us so we were looking inside at the party. Everyone was seated in the living room, still drinking and laughing. I felt a slight tug in my chest. I deserve to be in there. Why am I wasting precious time with my family by being out here sulking? I heard a new song start playing. "So if you'll excuse me, I see a lady that needs to be asked to dance."

  He winked at me and headed into the house, offering his hand to my grandma, p
ulling her up from her chair to dance. I started to smile so big, my cheeks started hurting. Tears threatened at the brim of my eyes. This was the picture of love. Not drunken fights about flirting too much with our server at dinner or spending too much time on the computer watching porn.

  After the party wound down, I crawled into the guest trundle bed, trying to quickly get settled, unsuccessfully muting the creak of the springs. I fluffed the pillow and looked at my phone. I didn't have any messages from Mark, and I didn't even care. Then a text popped on my screen. What time was it back home? It was from one of my neighbors from college, Mike. "Hey Lace, how's it going?" it read.

  I smiled thinking back to some of the fun times we had had in our apartment building. I had lived by myself my senior year, and Mike and two other guys lived directly above me. They were my protectors, as well as my friends, a fact that I knew Mark had not been happy with. "I'm good, how about you?" I responded.

  "Things are good here, we just miss your sexy face. The new neighbors aren't as hot ;)" That's right, school was back in session. September was now just another month to me. The guys still had a year left before they graduated. I felt my cheeks flush at his compliment. There had always been an undercurrent of flirtation between us, but nothing ever came of it.

  "I'm so sorry to hear that :( I'm sure you guys will survive, lol. I miss you guys too," I sent back to him. I really did miss them. I missed all my friends and my family. With each passing moment, I was realizing I had made one of the worst mistakes of my life. I had been in love with the idea of being with someone, not the actual someone I was with.

  My phone vibrated again. "Well you take care Lace, and let us know if we need to come down and kick anyone's ass for you." He had also not been fond of Mark.

  "Will do Mike. Go have a drink at Mahoney's for me :)" I responded.

  With that, I plugged my phone into the charger, snuggled down into my blankets, and with a heavy heart, I fell asleep.

  The rest of my trip flew by. Before I knew it, I was staring out the smudged window of an airplane back to Forrester. I threw my chocolate hair back in a messy bun, put my ear buds in, cranked my music, and shut out the world around me. I sighed heavily. I needed to be distracted; I didn't need time to just sit and question my thoughts. But that's all I had for the next three and a half hours.

  After the plane landed, I collected my bags, and took the shuttle to my car. Driving to our apartment, I had a sick feeling in my stomach, and my head was pounding. And I knew it had nothing to do with all the wine I drank last night. Was this really it? Would I be strong enough to cut out a giant chunk of my life that was causing me so much unhappiness? I practiced my speech out loud as I drove. I hoped nobody saw me talking to myself.

  I pulled into the main garage, and parked my black Audi (my graduation gift to myself) in one of our reserved spaces. I rolled my suitcase to the elevator, and pushed the button for the twelfth floor. I climbed in when it arrived at the garage level, my suitcase bumping violently over the crack in the ground between the floor and elevator. I stared up at the fluorescent lights, watching the numbers light up. With each passing floor, a wave of dread washed over me. The doors slid open, the ding seeming louder than usual, knocking me off balance. I walked up to the door, took a deep breath, and put my key in. The click of the lock sounded heavy. There wasn't any going back now.

  I walked in, setting my keys down on the entry hall table, and wandered quietly into the living room. The natural lighting from the windows cast a gray dark tone throughout the room. Was he even home? I went to turn on a lamp. My breath caught in my chest when I saw Mark sitting in our leather recliner. He sat silently, staring straight ahead, drinking a glass of whiskey. Without acknowledging my presence, he brought the glass to his mouth.

  Here goes nothing. "Babe, I-" I began, but he slammed his glass down and cut me off. I jumped back. "What the hell?"

  "Who the fuck were you texting while you were gone?" he spat at me.

  "What?" The confusion clouded my ability to speak. Of all the scenarios I had run through my mind leading up to this, this had definitely not been one of them. I had pictured myself saying, "Sit down, we need to talk," or "Mark, I've doing a lot of thinking since I've been gone." I wasn't prepared to be on the defensive.

  "You were fucking texting someone at two in the morning the other night. Who was it?" He ran his hand through his curly blonde hair, seething.

  I tried to quickly gather my thoughts. Here we go again, him accusing me of doing something wrong. I hadn't been out of line responding to my friend, right? "It was nothing. It was just, wait. How do you know I was texting someone then?" Suddenly I felt indignant.

  He paused. I could tell he was trying to carefully choose his words. "I logged on to your cell phone account. It was a number I didn't recognize. Who the fuck was it?" He stood now, his dark eyes glaring right into me. I felt goosebumps growing on my skin.

  He had done what? "Why would you do that? What is wrong with you?" I shook my hands emphatically. My decision to end things was becoming stronger with each passing second.

  "Well obviously I can't trust you, so that's why I did it," he growled, angrily picking up his drink, gulping the amber liquid.

  What other stalker tendencies did he have that I didn't know about? "You are unbelievable. I can't live like this," I whipped around and started toward the bedroom. "This is over. I'm fucking done." I wanted to scream, but I kept my cool, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

  The bed was a crumpled mess. Sticking out from the silver sheets I saw something bright red. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I walked quickly toward it as my suspicions were confirmed. Red lacy underwear, obviously much larger than my size. I grabbed them and held them with my pinky at arm’s length. "Seriously?"

  In that moment, all I could do was laugh. I honestly wasn't even hurt, which reaffirmed my decision. He had followed me in and stopped short. I saw a flash of panic in his eyes.

  "You want to yell at me about texting? And this is what you do?" My blood began to boil, not at the infidelity, but at his gall to yell at me and accuse me of misdeeds, when he was guilty of far worse transgressions.

  "Well if you hadn't texted some mysterious person, I wouldn't have felt the need to do it." He started to pace back and forth, his hands planted on his hips.

  The anger I felt was palpable. "So it's my fault you cheated on me?" I scoffed.

  "Mostly, yeah!" he shouted.

  I laughed out loud. "God, you are unbelievable! I'm leaving, and when I come back, I want you gone. We are done!" I spun around and ran to the front door. I grabbed my keys and out I went, not looking back. I pushed the call button for the elevator feverishly, hoping he wouldn't come after me. The doors slid open; I ran in and pushed the door close button. As the hallway disappeared from my sight, I felt the weight slide off my shoulders, and the tears begin to fill my eyes.

  Chapter 2

  When the elevator doors opened, I bolted to my car, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I had no idea where I wanted to go, I just needed to get as far from here as possible. I backed out and headed toward the garage exit. Right or left? A car was coming from the right, and I didn't feel like waiting. I turned right, screeching my tires. I needed to get a grip before I got into an accident. Where could I go? I had no family close, and I wasn't comfortable enough with my new co-workers to talk to them about this. I needed a drink.

  I started to settle down and catch my breath, glancing up and down the streets for a place to go. Just two blocks down was a small bar. There was nothing flashy about it. A navy blue sign with white lettering read "Johnny B's." Looks promising. I pulled my car into an open spot in front.

  I opened the door and was greeted with a warm atmosphere. The decor was mostly nautical, with pictures of whom I assumed to be "Johnny" and his family on multiple vacations. I recognized Maui and the Grand Canyon in two of the pictures. He certainly was well traveled. My heart constricted, thinking about how much I mis
sed my family already.

  There were a few people already inside, sitting at high top tables, and some up at the bar. Nobody paid any particular attention to me as I walked up to the bar, grabbing a seat away from anyone else. I looked down, suddenly feeling underdressed in my yoga pants and tee shirt, as this looked like an after work crowd. Michael Buble crooned in the background.

  "What can I get for you young lady?" asked a kind man with smiling eyes. His hair was gray, and only existed on the sides. The top of his head shined under the neon lighting from a beer sign.

  "Apple martini please," I replied, trying to return his smile.

  "Coming right up." He turned and started making my drink. I saw him reach for the Belvedere vodka.

  "Oh just the well vodka is fine," I called out to him. I had just graduated college; I wasn't picky about my liquor yet.

  "You look like you need the good stuff tonight," he smiled at me. I nodded, giving him a slight "thank you" smile.

  I wasn't sure if I should be grateful or insulted. I was definitely regretting my travel attire. I took my phone out of my purse try to keep myself busy and my head down. Scrolling through Facebook, I decided to change my relationship status. Single. Clicking the button felt freeing, but at the same time, I knew I was about to get phone calls and texts from family and friends about it. I was definitely not in the mood to talk. Johnny placed my drink in front of me.

  "On the house," he winked at me.

  "Thank you very much," I smiled sheepishly at him. God I must look like a wreck.

  I sipped my drink, and as I predicted, the texts started rolling in. "Single? Do we need to talk?" from my friend Angela. "Are you doing ok?" from Michelle. These were my best friends in college, and as much as I hated ignoring them, I couldn't bring myself to respond. I wasn't ready to say the words out loud.

  I tried to just enjoy my drink, tuning out everyone and everything around me. But my attention was drawn to Johnny talking to another patron at the other end of the bar. I instantly noticed the stranger's smile. His teeth were so white, which contrasted his dark hair and dark eyes. He wore a light blue dress shirt and navy tie; obviously he had just come from work. His eyes lit up when he spoke, making him even more attractive. I felt my heartbeat quicken. "Get a hold of yourself, Lacey. You just ended your long-term relationship about five minutes ago," I muttered into my glass.